rested

what if i trusted god
what if i loved myself
what if when i closed my eyes
i did not imagine the worst
what if i rested
what if i was not blown away by the disasters
i had chosen, like so many
tiny seeds, what if
i was, and what if i was planted with deep
roots into the darkness, i grew
out of, and what if i
flourished
and what if i forgave you
and what if i
forgave me
and what if
i rested

~

RN

at a loss

andwhentheemptiness
grewsoloud
icouldn'tbreathe
ihadtounlockmyfingers
fromthispain
andletyou
go.

~

RN

On All Days

On some days,

my thoughts are like butterflies.

On other days,

they fall like anvils from the sky.

On some days,

I can concentrate and be patient.

On other days,

all seems in upheaval and nothing done soon enough.

On some days,

I am one with the universe.
My love flows freely from me, without limit.

On other days,

My emotions are a wrapped, sealed bottle, my heart
secret even from myself.

On some days,

energy pulses from my fingertips.
I am creative, easily. I have many new ideas.

On another day,

I can only remember the embarrassments,
the mistakes. And I equate those moments with my worth.

On the toughest days,

I think I am not meant to be here.
That there is no hope.
No reasoning.
No derailing and no
fixing this.
All signs point
to my leaving.
And I am not sure why you are still here.

On brighter days,

(And there are so many,)
I can see
our delicate balance,
how we curve,
where the other bends, extend--

And how we need each other.

And on all the days,

I dream
and explore the breadth of this
inner tapestry, I give
it voice, even in uncertainty
and soak in the strength of its letters.

~

RN

If You Asked Me

it was never a straight path
and it was not always uphill
and i did not travel it alone
and we did not end up where I thought
we would,
but somewhere more beautiful.

~

RN

across the water

i am
in my boat, traveling
across the water
which shifts from purple, black
to turquoise, silver
expanding
and as the sun glows, guides
us home toward the horizon, i realize
that god
is the boat, and god
is the water, and god
is the sky, and god
is in me.

~

RN

Down to the Surf

I thought I knew who I was
Now I'm collecting the pieces
Walking down the beach
with my round red sifter
Hoping to find some strands of gold
And if the filaments slip
through the seams
So fine is the width
of understanding
Free from the plastic
Mesh of effort
in my hands
It will not stop me
from kneeling down to the surf
And trying again.

~

RN

Worthy

There will come a day
When all the parties
will get old for you,
When no amount of alcohol
will cleanse you,
And no other substance used
will soothe you,
Or so you think.
And you will look at
the real things
in your life:
The laundry, your
tiredness, your small joys,
your unhesitating tears,
And you will see
how worthy
your journey was.

~

RN

canyons

we could not mend the brokenness between us,
so we let the dust settle firmly and when
the riverbeds spread
and the ground, splitting, sighed, eyes
widened
in silent shock
at the clarity--our

mouths moved and nothing
formed, except
a new shape
this faded map of canyons,
where we had once lived.

~

RN

pure

the pool, the color
of a midnight sky
the aching stars mirrored
into its pure black, sliced
silver ripples from the fountain
risen deep from the well
under the trees, where i
touched it, a sphere
within a sphere,
and the truth
like a womb within the body.

~

RN

Emancipation

I am not behind the door

You closed on me. 

I am standing outside the house

And I choose

Where my heart lives. 

~

RNH

Memo

Create your own happiness.
Look inside of yourself and see
all of your goodness,
all of your twinkling stars,
the places you are worthy, 
and help them to grow.
Tend to and nurture your best self.
Even on your worst days,
you are still, at the core,
your best self.
Everyone falters.
Everyone forgets the long road
and sees the temporary impulse
as a band-aid.

When you know that's not true
When you know that the hard work
makes you better.
When you learn your most needed lessons
at the least expected times.
When your soul shies,
but life recognizes you
from across the room.
Turn down the doubt inside you.
Shout down the noise that cries out
that you are not
good enough, that you are not
the right shape, the right size.
Not the acceptable kind
to whoever you need acceptance from.
Accept yourself.
Be kind to everyone, including yourself.
Dig into your garden and honor
that capsuled life. The strength that
you have always had. The potential that
no one can ever thieve.
And fully awake, embrace
The fragments of your light
You can
carry this note with you,
should you forget...

~

RNH

alien on the rock

I am an alien on this planet.
I speak my own language.
I am strange and, most often,
not understood.
But the trees tell me I belong.
And the wind tells me to stay.
And the sky says, even this loneliness
will not last.

~

RNH

dark water

When the levy broke,

at least you did not buckle 

from the havoc,

at least,

you found the strength

to hold your ground. 

~

RNH

cleave

you blanket

each new peril you meet

with that treacherous 

cast

and I walk behind you, hammer

and chisel in hand,

setting them free. 

~

RNH

arrows

one pointed
toward you
and the other, to fear,
and my heart
broke between them,
divided by uncertainty.

~

RNH

an unfolded circle

she had been the lone ranger
the sole captain
the odd stranger
for so long
that she had forgotten
what it meant
to be accepted.

~

RNH

In Nature

I have difficulty sitting still.

Even a half-hour TV show while I'm eating dinner. A whole movie ?? Forget about it.

I prefer to be active--to be shaping things and doing things and making things better. If I'm sitting, it's only because I'm reading.

But when I'm in nature, I can sit or stand without that sense of pressure.

I don't feel anxious or worried, or even guilty, for being still. And when I am still in this way, I can think about the things that might be causing me stress and feel more flexible toward them. I can think about those ideas in a new way and, like a puzzle, find different solutions to them. Or I can just know that, yes, those problems or concerns are out there, but they do not define me.

I can choose who I become. I can choose what I think about.

This feeling is very peaceful. And for someone who usually operates at 120%, it is a chance to let go. A chance to connect more deeply to what really matters, and shed the rest.

I am grateful for this world that we are given and the opportunity to cultivate such feelings of calm.

I am grateful for the places in nature where I have felt so at home and immersed in wonder.

~

RNH

emblazoned

There will be fire

And you will walk through it

As you have done before.

~

RNH

Write Your Name

i would write your name in cursive
so you could watch its loops and flow
so you could understand the beauty
in the circle of depth and growth

i would write your name in the glowing sand
so you could marvel at its shine
so you could breathe in wonder at any
soft imprint and let go the pull
of the tide

i would write your name in the drying sidewalk
so you could sink in its permanent
so you could know that the shape
of our choices deeply matters,
and in forming your own, feel content

i would write your name on the windows
the hallways,
the bus stops,
the railcars,
as many times as you need
to be reminded
that you are here--
that you are worthy,
i would write until the invisible is seen.

~

RNH

dissolve

under the blanket,
stories wrestle themselves
the wish and the honesty
duking it out
neither wanting the other to be
totally right, and neither
hoping to be wrong, both fixed
on their certainty, and so
the two versions
spar until the moon's rise, dissolve
into a bizarre dream in the morning.

~

RNH