Shell

Fingers on the lips' container

The error pointing out 

Your ways, the grandeur 

Blindly hoping for better

The reality slapping truths

Into faces bottled

In faces, the little dolls

Smiling, I waited

For revelation to reveal
Your secret
Admiring the most
Artificial
True
Nature
I sacrificed
My character for your shell.

~

RNH

tulle

in between the folds of tulle
i tucked the days and second
hands
of us
the ticking
off minutes
until we,
the explosion,
fell quietly
tangled in the mesh, i know
you thought i
lost myself
in the gauze, i know you thought i 
could not see
---
through the black bars, the black caustic
screen over my heart
---
broken, shaking in the prison of my chest
i beheld you, finally
truthfully
as you are
and calmly picked up the pieces
from the floor
see
how they glitter
the shards
the sequins

in my new dress.

~

RNH

Useful

"Love is only useful when it's useful."

I know,
I know. 

I remember

How you loved me. 

~

RNH

proof

under circus lights
I did not know which way to look first
the costumes or the scenery
the set pieces occupying
my eyes
like only shiny things will do
absorbing and reflecting
you entirely
even the pieces you thought you hid so well
obvious
when I cut the switch.

~

RNH

Hoop

The table jumped
The pieces leapt and forced
To shift
When the earthquake of the moment
Hit and moved you
From your defining
Sheathe, you railed
Against the ghostly, trapping
Circumstance and desired
Most of all, to scatter
Free.

~

RNH

Suture

And when I spoke
I chose my words carefully
Pen to paper, ink--a thread
And when I saw
I looked with both eyes, opened
My heart
And understood.

~

RNH

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

I will not ask you to fill my silence
or this void
I will find a way
myself.

~

RNH

Returning Kindness

Last week, while on the train ride home, a random stranger handed me a packet of tissues. The blue and white plastic crinkled in my fingers as I thanked her. I usually keep some in my purse, but had, embarrassingly, gone through all of mine.

A few days later, at the same station, I saw a young girl step onto the train. With her backpack slung over one shoulder and her hoodie up, she moved into the corner, then sank down to the shoeprint-dirty floor. Hunched over her phone, she stared blankly at the paragraphs of bubbled text messages. Her nose blushed and her cheeks shone, covered with tears.

I told her to keep them, like the woman had told me.

We all crumble sometimes. Don't close your eyes. Pay it forward.

~

RNH

tomorrow

because tomorrow will be
beautiful
and full of life
like a poem...

~

RNH

Harpoon

i know you feared the depth
i know you cast your line
and feared its measurement
avoiding anchor
as if never
to see the shore
or hope
for safety
i know you did
i know you
scoured the water
for an answer
that would not change
or disappear
their liquid center
caught in the mystery of your
self shifting and momentum
gathering, rising tidal
fury as terrifying
as its calm
i know you
hide when the sky becomes dark
catastrophe
teaching you all too well
the exterior hardens, the eyes
close, the ship turns
away
from itself
leaving becomes
the only palpable recourse
i know
no matter how many times you crash
and fail
i will still be here.

~

RNH

birdsong

And Adam in the cage
no longer grieved
for his lost Eve
no longer wept for his
heart fled
surrendered
alive
when he cut free...

~

RNH

Vincent

When Van Gogh stopped drinking his absinthe
And the swirls no longer spoke to him
Screaming
Crying
Paint me

When the colors broke and bled
And their intensity
Reeled
Without name

That day
The world grew silent
and his hands
became still.

~

RNH

Tah-Dah

In these shredded, mangled
pieces, I will find
beauty, I will create
them, make them
whole.
I am the sorcerer with their hands
floating over a black globe.
I am the magician
with the white doves up
her sleeves.

~

RNH

Carnivore

I thought that it would fade
this back and forth
this tidal see-saw
rhythm beckoning like
the moon
sat upon your shoulder
whispering how to feel
and where to run to
howling
tripping
blind...

~

RNH

the armory

embrace your chaos
the weapons
lining gray, unblinking
stone walls
axe and flail and sword
drawn, glinting
in the silver
the metallic reflection of your
self.

~

RNH

Squished

I saw you, splattered
on the sidewalk
The squished form of you
A juice box, apple
And your heart's diagonal
Matter cried
out
for destruction
Cried out
to live again.

~

RNH

Ideas

When science and art both sought the same thing--to understand the world.
Transporting the reader, as a way to get closer to nature, closer to the essence of things.
Reimagining oneself, to better see the truth.
Pieces to a whole.
Outside experience and inward emotion.
Connectivity.
Permanence.
Instability.
Death.
Meaning to every moment.

~

RNH

Growing...

I used to think that the greatest strength I had was to leave. That the greatest power I had, the only power I had, was the choice of whether or not I stayed. One could choose where the heart went--you might not be able to choose anything else, but you had control over that. I learned that the people around you, even the people that love you, will fall away from you--like a blossom from a seed. You will end up alone. And your vulnerability will be your greatest weakness. I never saw love as a connecting force. I never thought that love would make you stronger. I never knew love as anything but destructive. It would ruin every delicate piece of you. It would make you regret the soft corners of yourself.

So you file them away...

You make yourself sharp on the edges and pointy. You become your own weapon. When enough people have disappointed you and hurt you and you feel like you have no ground to stand on, you create your own fortress. Running down its deepest, darkest hallways, you scream at the walls. At least they will not betray you. At least here, you are safe.

I used to believe that all of these things were true. I believed that the best way you could arm yourself against the world--the best way you could protect yourself--was to be impenetrable. Feel nothing. Never let your guard down. Never let anyone get close to you. They will only hurt you again, anyways.

Love would leave you at the first sign of frailty--irreparably lost, like petals to the cold.

But then the seed took root. You finally (FINALLY) evolved. Trusted the ground to stay where it was. The sky to persist. Trusted that your heart would NOT abandon you at a moment's notice.

And the small thing grew up.... and grew out.

It took me a very long time to reign in the impulse to rip and run away from the world. It's still there. But I can see past the fortress walls now. And, look ! The sun is shining...

I learned how love CAN make you stronger. I learned how beautiful it is to connect to other people. You do not have to be alone with your joy, or with your pain. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to fall... and stand up... and fall again. I believe we are not measured by our frailties, but by our ability to learn from them. Growth is a constant, difficult, worthwhile process. Let it teach you. Blossom in its wake.

And no matter what, love will still be there, in the end. Choose to give... please choose to stay...

~

RNH

Covered

I watched a woman put on make-up
Stripes of beige like wet war paint
I wondered why
We have to cover ourselves
To feel strong
And why I feel so bold
Without it.

~

RNH

fierce

Force of the jaw gripped
and ripped at last year's edges
took the trepidation
and ran
its shredded images trailing
like golden
tassels to the robe
of dust rising under the pound
of determination trampling
each doubt
by the proud
soul
glowing, brilliant
as this new day.

~

RNH