I used to think that the greatest strength I had was to leave. That
the greatest power I had, the only power I had, was the choice of
whether or not I stayed. One could choose where the heart went--you
might not be able to choose anything else, but you had control over
that. I learned that the people around you, even the people that love
you, will fall away from you--like a blossom from a seed. You will end up alone. And your vulnerability will be your greatest weakness. I never saw love as a connecting force. I never thought that love would make you stronger. I never knew love as anything but
destructive. It would ruin every delicate
piece of you. It would make you regret the soft corners of yourself.
So you file them away...
You
make yourself sharp on the edges and pointy. You become your own
weapon. When enough people have disappointed you and hurt you and you feel like you have no ground to stand on, you create your own fortress. Running down its deepest, darkest hallways, you scream at the walls. At least they will not betray you. At least here, you are safe.
I used to believe that all of these things were true. I
believed that the best way you could arm yourself against the
world--the best way you could protect yourself--was to be impenetrable. Feel nothing. Never let your guard down. Never let anyone get close to you. They will only hurt you again, anyways.
Love would leave you at the first sign of frailty--irreparably lost, like petals to the cold.
But
then the seed took root. You finally (FINALLY) evolved. Trusted the ground to stay where it was.
The sky to persist. Trusted that your heart
would NOT abandon you at a moment's notice.
And the small thing grew up.... and grew out.
It
took me a very long time to reign in the impulse to rip and run away from the world. It's still there. But I can see past
the fortress walls now. And, look ! The sun is shining...
I learned how love CAN make you stronger. I learned how beautiful it is to connect to other people. You do not have to be alone with your joy, or with your pain. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to fall... and stand up... and fall again. I believe we are not measured by our frailties, but by our ability to learn from them. Growth is a constant, difficult, worthwhile process. Let it teach you. Blossom in its wake.
And no matter what, love will still be there, in the end. Choose to give... please choose to stay...
~
RNH
