Monday, April 11, 2016

in the defense of all this

i made a list of the things that i'm afraid of
and i crumpled it up, ashamed
of what it said
and so many times i have hated
what my heart feared
and on so many days i have hated myself
for being afraid
and the spiral of self-doubt and self-
effacement is a corrosive one
and it does not leave
beautiful ideas in its wake, it empties
moments of their depth and spontaneity, it robs
the memory of its joy, insisting
faced that the only good found in this world
is selfishly driven and tiny and incrementally
doled out
for your best
and this loud, loud anarchy
sits in the middle of my kitchen banging
pots and pans of self-
importance and i
loathe her all the while.
i try to quiet the mind with reasoning
i try to explain to her with theories and i quote
all her favorite songs, she
cries louder, i point
to the fact that i am still here and she demands
to know why.
after several seconds of held breath,
i reply:
1. you are allowed to feel.
2. you are allowed to be wrong.
3. you are allowed to make all of the glorious mistakes that you are going
to make in this lifetime and keep living.
i promise none of them will break you.
i promise you will be stronger by your own choice.
but the best argument,
the greatest itemization i can make
in the defense of all this,
4. you are allowed to love
you are so loved
and no amount of fear can steal that.